I wish

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I wish the family knew what kind of pain I go through. I wish they knew I was going to go panic right now and crying myself to sleep. But they will never understand that because I will never share that. I am not strong enough to ask the people I love the most to help me. I know at least one person read this at some point feel bad. Because she knows me and know how much i struggle. But she stealing something else right now, that’s were born and I don’t want to disturb her. So I will just go to sleep. The only time my inner demons come out. I hope you appreciate this, is the only time i will share.

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Word type

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This is a whole document typed by auto type. I don’t know what else to call this. I am literally speaking into my phone and it’s writing what I’m saying. So if this sounds weird or mess up just know it’s the phone messing it up.

So I love my family. But they give me a panic attacks. I hope to God they never read this. Because they would think I hate them. Which I don’t. I love them to death. But they are also the driving force of my anxiety and panic attacks. Great at my ex-boyfriend said do not help with the panic attacks but they’re not a leading cause of it they are just another example of my panic attacks. My family was going on a rant tonight to the point where I had to excuse myself and go to bed. I got too much for me and I just need it to sleep. And now I am writing this post. If it seems we are at a logical it is because I am using voice text right now to write this because I am not physically able to write this post. I’ve already seen that there are a few grammatical errors or weird things written in this post because of voice text. Like the word Ashley. I don’t know why it’s there but it is for something I was trying to sayBut it is there so please excuse it like this grammatical error in the but it is there. But anyways I’m trying to write posts because I do not right now but if were being honest, the only time I write posts is when I am having anxiety episodes or drunk or stress or not and it’s over state of mind. And the over state of mine was supposed to say a sober state of mind. I read it all the sweeter voice text right now so it’s not gonna come out pretty. But I should go to bed right now I have a been on the verge of about three panic attacks I should just go to bed right now. Like I said I love my family but they drive me nuts. Good night.

XOXO MMb

The breakdown

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This is it. I’ve hit my breaking point. I’ve ashamed to admit I’m hiding in my bathtub right now (my safe space ) having a full and complete mental breakdown. Here is where I’m at and my rant. Please note i tried to drink my feelings away in tequila shots. That also failed because well…. IM SUPER FUCKING UPSET.

Here is my rant. (In all caps because I’m yelling )

FUCK THIS. THIS ISNT FAIR. WHY ME. KVE TAKEN MY MEDS WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO. WHY DOES MY GODDAMN BODY HATE ME. YES BODY. THE THINGS YOU DO ARE REALLY COOL BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO FUCK ME OVER IN THE PROCESS. ITS MOR GODDAMN FAIR. I SHOULDNT BE CURLED UP IN MY DAMN BATHUB AGAIN CRYING OVER THIS FUCKING DISEASE FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME TIME IN 26 YEARS. I SHOULDNT BE DROWNING MY SORROWS IN BOOZE TO HELP MASK THE PAIN. FUCK THIS. FUCK EVERYTHING. THIS ISNT FAIR. WHAT HORRIBLE THING IN LIFE HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS. I KNOW THE SAYING “GOD GIVES HIS HARDEST BATTLES TO HIS STRONGEST SOLDIERS” BUT IVE BEEN FIGHTING BATTLES MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE. WHEN DO I GET A BREAK. WHEN DO I GET TO STOP FIGHTING. WHY DONT I DESERVE A BREAK. WHY DONT I DESERVE HAPPINESS OR LOVE FOR ONCE. WHY DO I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS BATTLE LET ALONE DO IT ALONE. WHY WHY WHY.

Fighting an uphill battle

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Today I got the news I was really hoping I wouldn’t get. Yet another medicine for the crohns has failed. I had been on pills for about 9 years and switch two infusions almost three years ago. I hadn’t been feeling the best lately so the doctor ordered some blood work for me. It turned out my body has developed antibodies to my Remicade treatments.

It’s amazing what you can do body but can please stop being shitty to me?

I got this call while I was at work (I still am). This resulted in me have to take a minute …. or 30 …. alone in my car to think, cry and tell my parents.

I currently have three other options. I’ll be doing lots of research in the next few days. My doctor wants me to make a choice by early next week so we can start treatment again.

Send good vibes my way guys. I need them right now.

If dating profiles were honest

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This is a post I have been wanting to write for a while. I honestly just lost the motivation to write it. To write this post as brutally honestly as possible, let dive into my “secret” nice bourbon stash….aka the expensive bourbon and scotch blends I hide in my closet. YES…. I can be a classy adult sometimes. ANYWAYS…. I never really believed in dating apps. I never understood the hype behind things like TINDER and Bumble. I’m not poo-pooing on you if you use them! Please share your best worst dating stories in the comments if you have!! Tinder actually gave me one of my best friends. My ex boyfriend’s roommate met his now girlfriend on tinder and she is also now one of my best friends. Tinder isn’t all bad! I personally have only ever use one dating app and am still on it  (regrettably). It’s an app called “coffee meets bagels”. I’ve met a lot of guys and been on a lot of date but my success rate is discouragingly low.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let get down to what my dating profile would say if I could be brutally honest (and could write paragraphs). As a bonus, I will attach the photos I use on my profile at the end. Everyone take a sip of your drink….AHHHH. Let’s go!

HI! My name is Meghan I am 26 years old.

I have a BS in Marine Science and a Biology minor AKA I’m a massive nerd. I work with infectious diseases for a living so don’t piss me off. I could cure ebloa one day.

I love my dog probably more than I will ever love you. Her paw print is tattooed on my arm for a reason. Speaking of tattoos, I LOVE THEM. If you have tattoos I’m probably somewhat attracted to you.

I have a thing for bad boys and douche jocks. If you fall under that category save me the pleasure of dating you. I deserve better.

I love whisky, bourbon and scotch. I will shamefully admit I have drank a 750ml bottle of  bourbon to myself without getting sick or being hungover. I can honestly probably drink you under the table. It’s a talent I’m proud and ashamed of. We all have our moments but if you’re a shit show while drinking I’ll pass.

The beach is my happy place. I used to live there and I miss it horribly. If you don’t like the beach I don’t like you. I will happy squeak when at the beach. Yes, I did say squeak.

I am wayyy too obsessed with Fall and Halloween. NO, not in the basic white girl way. I find pumpkin spice lattes REVOLTING! I love haunted hay rides, scary movies and craving grotesque pumpkins. I have more halloween decorations than Christmas . Halloween is my favorite holiday. It helps that my birthday is the day after.

I love birthdays. My birthday is a national holiday as far as I’m concerned. If you’re not a big birthday celebrator that’s fine. Please know I will try to throw you a party or at least acknowledge your birthday. I mean well by doing this. I  just want to make you happy. If you don’t like birthday I still expect you to support my love of mine.

I’ve almost died. I suffer from an autoimmune disease called Crohns Disease. It makes me sick from time to time and I poop….A LOT. Sorry but girls poop. We are getting that straight right now.

I love roller coasters and amusement parks. They are the best and if you don’t like those please see your self out.

I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I can be a pain and hard to deal with sometimes because of this. Please know I don’t mean to be and I’m sorry now.

I’d happily free dive with sharks any day but I will never jump out of a plane.

I love adventures and trying new things but sometimes I need a little push to try.

I’m an extroverted introvert. I need my down time.

My life goals is to have a dog and a boat. I want to sail the world. I could honestly care less if I get married or have a family. Do I want those things? YES. Do I need those things. NO! I can be happy on my own but I’m looking or a partner to join me on my adventures.

xoxo,

M

Learning from injuries

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You could say I’m in a slump…again. If you remember, I partially tore a tendon in my left foot last fall. I was in a boot for a while and in months of physical therapy.  It has been  month and a half or so since I was discharged by the PT and I’m hurt again. I have a grade 2 sprain in my right ankle. UGH MEGHAN REALLY?! As a kid I never got hurt. I broke my first (and only) bone at 16. That was a minor fracture too. Other than that, I’ve had no other “major injuries”.  It seems my body has become “fragile” after turning 25……. I’ve hurt my foot/ankles three times in the last 2 years.Maybe this is karma for all those years as a kid I wanted to be hurt for attention.

The story of how I sprained my ankle is embarrassing. It happened while at soccer. I should end the story there and let you imagine what happened…but we know I won’t. I was on the field…… I was waiting for a throw in….. I went to turn…..and stepped down funny. When my foot went down my ankle rolled, popped and I went down. When I stood back up I was in so much pain! I quickly subbed off the field and limped home.

My foot  was so swollen and so painful that I didn’t end up going to work on Monday.  See above. The pain and swelling made it so uncomfortable that I barely slept Sunday night. I tired to shower Monday morning and I couldn’t even stand. I decided it was best to stay home and rest. I’ve learned something from my last injury… REST IS KEY….FINALLY! Staying home made a world of difference. It’s been three days since I sprained my ankle and I’m able to walk without being in too much pain. YAY.

Getting injured has put me in a “mood”. I hate sitting still and resting. It’s not my thing. I also hate being injured. I worked so hard to get healthy. I went to PT. I trained. I started eating healthier and taking better care of myself. Yet, here I am again………hobbling around like a drunk toddler. It’s very frustrating for me. I’m also in a mood because I know it’s time to quit my soccer team. 1) I need to take a break from playing. Playing is how I’ve gotten my last three injuries. I’m supposed to be training for another half marathon and there is no way that is going to happen if I keep hurting myself. 2) I’ve been on this team for 2.5 years now. This was the team I met JM on and we both still play on it. We aren’t friends anymore so that makes it awkward to begin with. The only time we speak to each other is while were are playing aka “HEY JM I’M OPEN”. Him and his best friend are also super competitive and have taken the fun out of the game for me. At one point, they were the best players on our team. They aren’t anyone but yet they still think they are. Personally they make me feel like shit when I play. If I mess up they just bring it up and don’t try to give pointers or help. I don’t give them shit when they miss a goal. Why should I get it?? It all makes me angry. I know it’s best to just move on instead of dwelling in anger.

It’s hard making the decision to give up a team that I loved. The fact of the matter is, it’s not the same team anymore. It’s time to leave and move on with my life. I plan to start playing again with a new league closer to my apartment in the fall. All of this is a bummer though. Resting gives me more time to think about it too. I’m trying my best to keep my head up and not let all these thoughts get to me. I just want a break. Is successfully training and running a half marathon in 2 hours, without injuries, too much to ask?!

 

LE UGH!

 

xoxo,

M

 

PS: Here is my foot today.

Life life life

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WHOOPS! Yet again I’m writing like a post a month.  First of all I’m writing this from my new laptop! That was a lovely   adult moment. I’ve had the same Mac book since I graduated from high school. It’s 8 years old. It got to the point where it was barely working. It took 10 min just to start up and my Microsoft word wouldn’t save anything I did anymore.  I think the easiest was to catch up on life it to do it in my favorite way! LISTS!

 

Life: Well I bought a new computer. That was $1,203 I really didn’t want to spend. Feel free to debate Macs vs other computers with me. I am an apple snob. I stand by that. Apple products are ridiculously expensive but they last. My old laptop did last 8 years! My anxiety has been doing alright. I’ve been out of therapy since November. I was dealing with a bunch of insurance changes so it was hard to stay in. That reminds me, I need to email my therapist back. Overall though, I’ve been doing alright. My anxiety has been spiking here and there but it’s been manageable. I’ve been on lexapro for over a year now and it really has helped. I hate needing medicine to function normally, but it has helped a ton.

Dating: Hmm well I ended things with that guy from my last post. I wasn’t happy. I brought it up and nothing changed. There was no point sticking around if nothing was going to change. I’ve been out playing the field. I like to call it fishing. Right now I’m talking to three different guys. I’ve been on two dates with all of them. There is one that is def a favorite. We will see  how this all goes. More updates to come.

Work: I started my new job back at the end of January. I like it a lot! It’s nice to work in a place where people respect me. I’m  actually given responsibilities and it a weird but good change for me. I was the youngest at my old job and was treated as so. I am still the youngest at this job but I am treated like an equal . I don’t dread going to work anymore and I don’t have a passive aggressive boss who is rude and belittling to me.

 

That’s all I have right now!