Today my anxiety has been horrible. I woke up in a bad mood and I couldn’t shake it. I let myself get upset over something little. A complete misunderstanding. I thought I was fine but my chest has been tight all day. I decided to give my mom a call to just take my mind off of things. I don’t know if it was talking about how my sister was being a massive B this week that triggered it but something did. I could feel myself starting to convulse. That urge to hyperventilate suddenly hit me. I made up an excuse to get off the phone and jumped in my empty bathtub and proceeded to have an anxiety attack. That is now where I currently am still curled up while writing this. Why I picked my bathtub I don’t know. It seemed like a safe space and somewhere my roommate wouldn’t hear me.
I haven’t had a full blown attack like that in years. I was able to stop it within a few minutes luckily but it still happened. Ugh. I thought I had gotten past this. I thought my days of curling up in a ball crying and hyperventilating were over.
If you’ve never had a panic attack or anxiety attack I hope you never have to. They are miserable things that are hard to control. I thought my medicine was working pretty well but I clearly need to look into that if this happens more.
Timing is such a delicate thing. That is something I have learned in the last 25 years. Timing has never seemed to be on my side in the romance department. YOU was the only true love of my life (thus far) but the timing wasn’t right. We met each other too young and too immature. Then again, who knows if we even would have liked each other at this age?! The timing was never right with JM (formally referred to as NBF) either. Him and I were in such strong but yet fragile states when we met each other. We were both recovering from horrible breakups. I, sadly was much further along in that healing process. My friendship with JM has always been hard to describe to anyone who is not us. We have always been extremely close since the day we met. I don’t know how to describe it honestly. We just always connected. We were always able to talk…well that is we were about to talk about anything besides our own relationship.
What I haven’t told the blogging world is that I have been seeing someone new. We have been seeing each other for maybeeeeee a month now. I feel like he has a lot of potential though. I was very torn for a while. Another thing I didn’t share is the fact that I may have kind of sort of had a “whoopise” (or two) with JM) in the last month……….
YEAH I KNOW…..BAD MEGHAN………….
I have always believed that JM has loved me. I also don’t think he knew how to properly. I don’t know if that makes any sense but tonight just reinsured my theory. As I said, I have been seeing someone for the last month. It is not serious at the moment, but as of this past weekend, it seems to be taking a turn in that direction. I like this guy. He has just been checking off everything on the list that I have wanted in a guy. If you asked Jess or Myka, I have been stressed out. I didn’t know how to tell JM about this. YES I know he total fucked me over earlier this year. But, (yes I just started a sentence with but) he is also honestly one of my best friends and we have put that behind us. Yes, to the outside observer I sound insane. If you could ever see our friendship you would understand.
Tonight JM, my roommate and our other friend went to trivia night at a local bar. At the end of the night he pulled me aside and asked if we could talk for a minute. It is probably easier to type out a paraphrasing of the conversation.
JM: sooo can you promise me something? Please just don’t disappear on me. Even if you’re….you know
me: what do you mean??
Jm: I mean even if you’re seeing someone new please don’t just leave as a friend.
me: I’m not going anywhere but in complete honesty I am seeing someone right now.
JM: yeah….I figured that out a while ago. It been about a month or so hasn’t it.
Me: yep how did you know.
JM: Meghan I know you. I can read you so easily. I’ve known something was up. I am jealous but I know I can’t give you what you want or need right now. I probably couldn’t do that for at least another two years. I am jealous and I care about you but I want you to be happy. If this guy makes you happy then go for it. That what I want for you.
Him and I said that we would talk more tomorrow because it was getting late and his roommate was waiting in my kitchen. Long story short, I am happy him and I got to talk about this. I has been bothering me for a few days now. Now I can well move on with my life and yeah.
I don’t know.
I’m tired and this is all I have for now. I like this new guy a lot but I had my reservations because of things in the past with JM. It’s nice to know I can just move forward now.
I’m too tired to spell check or grammar proof this. More to come in the future though.
I Don’t Want to Be a Princess
Sooooo I’m a day late. Yesterday was actually world IBD day but whatever. I’m not going to sit here and type up my 11 year struggle with Crohns. That story is somewhere on this blog already. For now, I’ll just show my posts from this year and last year. Enjoy.
Guess who’s back. Back again? Meghan’s back. Tell a friend.
My life has been a whirlwind lately. I moved into a new place two weeks ago, I’ve been traveling, I’ve been unpacking and I’ve been dating.
Calm down people. I did do a thing I swore I would never do. No I did not download tinder ( no shame on the people who like it). I did download a dating app called Coffee Meets Bagel. My logic was that “hey I’m in a newish place and it can’t hurt to get out there a little”. BOOM ! I did it. I’d say that this app seems like a step up from the usual tinder and bumble horror stories I hear but not quite as serious as something as Match.com and such. It’s a nice inbetween.
I was hesitant to get back out there again. What I didn’t tell you guys is that I actually went on a date about a month ago. I had melt this guy at a wine tasting class with my coworker. We exchanged numbers and he invited me to a DC United game (soccer). I mean it wasn’t a horrible date but it wasn’t great either. We just didn’t click. That being said, I was hesitant to start this whole dating thing again. The good news is that it hasn’t been too bad this far.
I had a first (of a few dates 😏) this past Monday. The guy ended up being really cool and we actually hung out again last night. I’m supposed to have another date tomorrow with another guy and then another Monday with yet another guy. GO MEGHAN.
I’m actually horrible at this “seeing multiple people thing”. I’m more of a monogamy kind of person. It’s hard when the first guy ended up being pretty awesome. I keep telling myself to give the others a chance. I’m 25 and it’s okay to get out there and date around.
I shall be keeping you guys updated with more installments of Single Smingle. Hopefully, I can convince my lovely friends Jess and Myka to join in on this segment. Jess and I cowrote the first one. Check it out
Well here we go….
1) I love concerts. I’m currently covered in bruses. Apparently I bruise a lot easier thanks to the infusions.
2) the happiest I’ve been while in a long time was while I was in a circle pit to Sum41 and crowd surfing to Pierce the Veil. Yes I’m broken and need therapy. Don’t worry guys. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Or today in less than 30 mins.
3) my ear hurts. Luckily for me my roommate is a medical professional and can check out my ear if it still hurts in a day.
4) I’ve realized the fact that I love my parents but I will never forgive them for how much they fucked up my life. Yes that got deep. No we won’t go in depth on this topic. That’s what I pay my therapist for.