Month: September 2015

Pity party of one. 

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First and foremost: GO HOME hurricane Joaquin!! You’re drunk. 

Nobody ever said Hurricanes were convenient right? 

Today I set up my appointment with my doctor to sit down and do the formal discussion of my transition to the IV infusions. She already knows I’m interested in switching but we have to do the whole formal sit down and indepthly discuss treatment, risks, side effects, schedule approval testing etc.  Can you feel the enthusiasm from there?? 

This weekend I was supposed to go home and go to Hallow-scream at Busch Gardens with Caitlin. I’ve been counting down the days since August. Finally, I had something to look forward to and distract me from well umm the rough time I’ve been having. Hurricane Joaquin has something to say about that. NOPE MEGHAN!! NO FUN FOR YOU. 

I’m still holding on to that single strand of hope that the warm front will stay far out at sea and the hurricane will shift towards it.  Who wants to do a hurricane dance?!? Everyone?!? Okay good! Ready. Set. Go. 

If this hurricane does hit land things could get interesting. I’ve been through a handful of hurricanes. Isabel was hands down the worst. I’ve never had to go through a hurricane alone though. One hit in college, but it was minor and my roommates/friends just had a hurricane party. Any friends I have here all live 30 plus mins away and wouldn’t be reachable and I live alone. I guess I should stop putting off grocery shopping just in case? Maybe I should get some bottled water or something?? How does one “hurricane”??? 

Until I figure out how to properly prep for a hurricane, I’ll be sitting at my desk eating lunch and having a pitty party. The party will be extended to my couch once I’m off. Feel free to join and bring pizza or orange chicken.  I’ll provide beverages and an expansive collection of Halloween movies. 

-m

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A low moment

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I’ll just start this post with: I am a shitty person.

Let’s just  begin. I started today for the entirely wrong reason. I needed to feel self-worth. I woke up feeling especially worthless today. I went out to a 90’s bar crawl this afternoon. I went in the hopes of well ….getting drunk and getting some male acknowledgement. Terrible, I know. I can be a very self-destructive person when I want to be.

Long story short….all I got was drunk. Zero attention. And well I felt like shit. There was a lot of other stuff mustering deep down…and well the alcohol brought it out. I drove home. I should have not driven home. I HATE MYSELF   for that. Feel free to hate me also. I hit a low point. A point I really did not expect to hit. At least not yet. I cried the entire way home. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m alone. I have made the choice to switch to the infusions. I need to talk to my cousin who is also a GI doctor as a second reference…but I plan to talk to my doctor this week and officially make the change. My arm is a bruised mess and I’m sick of living this way. I’m no longer in remission and it is starting to take a toll on my life again. I’m at the point where I’m ready to call off of work because I’m too tired or not feeling up to it. I’m to the point where I’m praying what ever I eat doesn’t upset my stomach so I can have a social life on weekends or after work. It is not good. I’m tired of going home and dealing with an upset stomach. I have to pass a TB test and a Hep B test (which I should), then I will be approved for the meds. It’s not 100% at this point but if it’s going to make me feel better I’m willing to try. I’m not happy about it, obviously.

I just want to feel as normal as possible at this point.

Right now I just want to call my mom and cry. But, it’s 10:06pm and I refuse to ever cry to my mom unless it is 210% necessary. I am a strong person. I don’t cry to others. I will be fine. I just need to go to bed.

I think I might start going back to church. Right now, God seems to be my best choice. I feel sacrilegious writing that. Sorry God.

-M

Ps: still hate myself. 

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When this world’s too much,

It will be only the ocean and me

When these sails go up

Mountanis fade away

Stars come back

I’m finally free

It’s only the ocean and me

-Jack Johnson

Thinking 

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I’ll openly admit that I reminisce on the past more than I should. I just like to remember the memories sometimes. 

I’m thinking about the past and growing up. I’m thinking about how tomorrow is the first day of fall. I hear kids giggling and playing outside. I remember being a kid and running around the old neighborhood with my friends pretending not to have homework. I remember riding scooters, chasing soccer balls and trying to catch leaves as they slowly started falling from the trees. I remember the excitement of slowly starting to see Halloween commercials show up on tv and Halloween goodies showing up in stores. 

I remember freshman year of college. I’d say fall semester was my best semester. There wasn’t a care in the world. It was just me and my roommates having a blast. Not regrets. No looking back. 

All these memories make me happy but bring up another emotion. Loneliness. Fall is my favorite season. I’d say it’s when I’m the happiest. There is a part of me that wants to share that happiness with another though. I remember sitting in my apartment last night. I had strung up some lights around my apartment, turned down the other lights and lit some candles. It was so nice and cozy. I just remember wishing that I had someone to enjoy with me. Someone to tell me how nice and cozy my apartment is. Someone to be there. 

I’m able to not stress about the health issues. I’m able to smile and go about my day. I’m able to be happy with life. I am still lonely though. It’s the ghost that haunts me day to day. I don’t really know how to fill that void in my life. I have great friends. I have a crazy and sometimes annoying but loving family. You would think I could be happy with that. But, there is still a void. There is still the lonely. 

As I said before. As nice as it would be, I’m not going to go out searching for attention to fill that lonely void. That’s just not me. I’ll let it come to me if and when there is a right time. For now, there is just me enjoying the cozy start of fall debating if it’s a good choice to watch that scary movie or not 
-m

The Bachelorette party 

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WENT PERFECTLY! It all ran smoothly and I think everyone had a blast. There was wine. And more wine. And even more wine. Oh, and some cider. That’s all there really is to say. Here are some of my favorite photos from the day.



  
  
  
  

The MRI results

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Well. They weren’t good. It was what the doctor expected. Inflammation. Here is an exact quote from my doctor. “it looks like the last part of the small intestines is also affected by Crohns with some inflammation and narrowing of the intestines at that area”. Narrowing isn’t good. That can lead to blockages and surgery. Inflammation isn’t good. It leads to scarring with leads to narrowing.

Unless there is some miraculous improvement from my increased meds in the next few weeks, it looks like I will be switching over to Remicade or Humira. Boo for shots and infusions. I’m not happy about this but at this point I just want to feel better. I’ve been having more bad days over good days lately. My coworkers have began to notice and comment on the fact I’ve been quiet and appear tired.

For now, I don’t have time to be upset or stressed about this news. I have too many other things going on. I’ve also accepted the fact that there isn’t anything that I can do at this point. I just have to go along with what the doctor says.

Keep your fingers crossed for better days. Until then I’ll be living life like I do. One day at a time with an angry stomach pretending that it feels okay.

-M