Month: January 2017

Song Roulette

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This post was inspired by Paul. Basically I put my music on shuffle and write about it. Sooo here we go. PS: I’m cheating slightly because I have some music on my phone I’ve still never listened to.

1) Late Night Conversations- The Forecast
-I remember hearing this song first when I was on my way to senior prom. I instantly loved. My favorite line is ” Let’s drink, to our fallen friends, to or failures, and our futures”.

2)Little Talks- Of Monsters and Men 
– This song it catchy. How can you not love this song. I remember listening to it at lunch with my fellow camp counselors that summer I lived with YOU. I just remember us all smiling and singing along to it. It still makes me smile to this day.

3)The Suffering- Coheed & Cambria
– okay first off I never realized how odd this music video was and I also never realized how big the lead signers hair is! It’s bigger than mine! I first heard this song when I was in ummmm high school?? I shamelessly jam out to this song at 5am in my car. Try not to sing along. I dare you.

4) Easy- The Dirty Heads
-The Dirty Heads are one of my favorite bands ever. They are an odd mixture of reggae and hiphop. It just works though. Don’t ask. This song is just one of the happy upbeat songs. It makes me wish I was back in South Carolina on the beach. I’ve also seen this band live at least three times.

5) The Blue Channel- Taking Back Sunday
-Not may favorite song from them but it’s still off my favorite album from them. I have also seen them live. This is quickly turning into what bands Meghan has seen.

6) Secret Valentine- We the Kings
-Oh my emo high school days. I have always hoped for a Valentine and this song gave little emo Meghan hope a pretty boy will shaggy hair and a guitar would write me a song like this as a gift. OHHH MEGHAN….

7) Crazy Little Thing Called Love- Queen
-Love is stupid. I’m pretty sure I first heard this on a movie.

8) Good Night and Go- Imogen Heap
– My bff introduced me to this artist when I was like 14 or 15. It reminds me of fall. I couldn’t tell you why but it does. It is on all of my fall playlists. I also have never watched the music video until today. It’s super weird and I love it!

9) Fast Forward to 2012 – A Day to Remember
AWW man I wish my phone picked another song. I love all A Day to Remember but I don’t have much to say about this particular song. I did see a lot of tattoos inspired by this song when the album first came out.

10) Congratulations- Sleeping With Sirens
– I actually just heard this song within the last year. I’ve apparently had it on my phone for a while though. I always enjoy Sleeping with Sirens and I mean Kellin Quinn….DROOL. Just me ? Okay then…..

11) Big Casino- Jimmy Eat World
-This song was my anthem when going away to college. I liked how they talked about getting away and being successful. Most of the people I went to school with stayed local for college (AKA still in Virginia). I wanted to be anywhere but VA…so I went to school 5 hours away in South Carolina. I regret nothing. “I’m the one who gets away. I’m a New Jersey  Virginia success story”. This song is also on my fall playlist….

12) Heathers Song- Andy McKee
-I love Andy McKee and all of his work. He is an amazing guitarist. I listen to this song when I need to relax or can’t sleep. Actually I listen to this whole album. If you liked the movie August Rush you will like this song and this artist.  I’m also linking Art of Motion because it’s my all time favorite from him and needs to be shared.

13) Like A Boss- Lonely Island
-If you want to pee your pants laughing watch this song/listen to it. I love Andy Samberg and Lonely Island. I may have been rapping this song with my friend….yesterday……

14) Bluebirds- Life of Dillion
-This is such an underrated song. You may know Life of Dillon from their song Overloaded. This is probably my second favorite song from them. Low key going to quote a photo with “just a couple bluebirds wasting time”. Now you will know my secret meaning.  Again, I wish someone would write me a song like this.

15) Equals- Set Your Goals
-More angsty emo Meghan music (that I still love). My good friend Cavin got me hooked on this band the summer we graduated from High School. Cavin, myself and our friend Joe used to spend countless summer nights just driving around and listening to this song.

16) The Reason- Hoobastank
-The cliché love song. I kind of hate this song but I kind of love it. I always imagined all my ex’s thinking this. Maybe they did. Who knows! Who cares?

17) 1,2,3,4 – Plain White T’s
-NO NO NO. Okay 15 year old emo Meghan…..you’re embarassing yourself now. Just nope.

18) (If you’re wondering if I want you to) I Want You To-Weezer
– great song. It’s yet another you sing-a-long with. That’s all.

19) Damn regret The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
This quickly took a turn to teenage Meghan’s playlist. I would secretly jam out this this in 11th grade Biology and doodle out lyrics with my friend. Still jam out to it. No shame.

20) Until the Day I Die- Story of the Year
This takes me back to Middle School. I wore lot’s of eyeliner and jammed out to this song. It may have also been my ringtone with my cool little flip phone.

21) Since U Been Gone- A Day to Remember
YESSSS. If I remember correctly, this song is how I originally discovered ADTR. I’ve always wanted to recreate this video but a girl version. I have it all directed out in my head.

22)Happy Holidays You Bastard- Blink182
Yet anther band I saw live. This song always makes me laugh. I had posted a video of two presents under my tree with this song in the background. I thought I was pretty funny.

23) Santeria-Sublime
Everybody sing a long now. You all know the words.

24) Pop Lock and Drop It-Huey ?
I’m just sitting here dying laughing. I have a secret love for terrible early 2000’s rap. It reminds me of middle school. My bff was big into rap. She made a CD of a bunch of rap songs and it included this song. I still have a playlist on Itunes call “All the rap I have”. It include artist like Lil John and more Lil John. Sometimes I have a really cool dance party alone in my car to this playlist.

25) Gonna Be A Blackout Tonight-Dropkick Murphys
*** breaks out in mini dance mosh thing alone on the couch** Who doesn’t love angry Irish (but from Boston) men singing??

26) Taint – The Dirty Heads
I was going to stop at 25 but this song make it solely because of the lyric “Now I’m stuck between an asshole and a dick just like a taint”. Dirty, I know. I still find it funny.

 

My phone is dying so I’m stopping there. How many songs did you guys know?? None? Yeah probably. There you go Paul!

today

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This is an accurate summary of my day. All my tests kept failing. I was running in a million directions (figuratively and literally).

The good news is my stepdad’s surgery went well and I did get a run in before it got freezing and dark.

Someone remind me why I thought running another half marathon was a good idea.

 

Maybe I’m not fit to be a hero

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So, I haven’t written in a while. If we are going to be completely honest, I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling for a good while now but I haven’t wanted to fully admit it.  After my sisters hospitalization and diagnosis with chemical depression, my family thought it wouldn’t be the worst idea for me to get checked out. I refused for a while, but deep down I knew I needed to. I had been ignoring it for a long time now. I used to get “down” maybe once or twice a year growing up. It was okay. I knew the drill. I’d be sad for a week or so and then I would be okay. Over the last few years, it has gone from once or twice a year, to every other month, to every other week. I used to be able to control these sad feelings. As of lately I cannot. The same goes for my anxiety. I have always had anxiety. It was never anything I felt I needed medicine for. It got worse when I was hospitalized and diagnosed with the Crohns. I would have bad panic attacks, but eventually I was able to control them and get rid of them. Now, there are days I’m so sad and there is such a tightness in my chest that I don’t want to get out of bed. I’ve found myself avoiding social situations because I’m so anxious or out of sorts. I have found myself moody and not  wanting to answer my phone. I’ve ignored group messages and even people who I care about the most because I have no want to talk to people. I haven’t even wanted to write on this blog. My safe space. My release.

YOU used to tell me that I wasn’t super women and that it was okay to ask people for help sometimes. I hated when he would say that. Deep down I knew he was right, but I didn’t like asking for help nor did I knew how. I thought asking for help was weak. I thought giving in and taking medicine was weak. I thought crying was weak. I despised all of those things. In my mind I was a hero and only I could save myself. To some extent that is true. There are somethings in my life that only I can fix, but I could also use a little help along the way with some other things.

I started seeing a therapist in early November.  I have tried to be as open and honest with her as possible. It’s not always easy for me. She has been helpful but has also well….dug up some skeletons from my past. Going to therapy isn’t easy. It is needed though. She has seen me on some of my worst days recently. She was finally able to see past the mask I had been wearing for the last few months. She finally saw had bad it was. My therapist strongly recommend that I get on medicine. The day she said that was one of my lowest days. After saying no so many times, I said okay. The sadness hurt. The anxiety hurt. I knew that this was no way to live life. I knew I had to make a change. Sadly, my therapist cannot prescribe medicine. I will be going to a doctor on the 11th for a mental evaluation and will be hopefully on my way to getting better.

The sadness and anxiety come and go. Some days I am okay. Other days, I am not. A small handful of friends know what is going on. I don’t think they know the extent of how bad it truly has been though. Regardless, they have been nothing but loving and supportive. I am very thankful for that. With the new year upon us I am making a great effort to try to get back to as normal as I possibly can. I now know that something is a little off upstairs. I know that it isn’t something to be ashamed of. I know that sometimes the “crazy” thoughts I have are completely normal. I know that it’s okay to reach out and ask for help. I still don’t like asking for help and I still have a hard time talking, but at least I am trying now.

2017 has the potential to be a very exciting and eventful year for me. I can’t talk about a lot of the possibilities right now (don’t want to jinx them) but there may be a lot in store for me. For now, I am focusing on the things like running/training for another half marathon( or two) and getting back to school for my masters.

My resolution this year is simple: be happy and never stop chasing my dreams.

2016 kicked my ass. I’m ready to make some changes in 2017 so I can kick its ass instead.

 

-M

Put your faith in me but I want you to be honest

I’m losing my patience and I’m losing myself

Someone rescue me I need help

Cause maybe I’m not fit to be a hero

But I’ll try