Month: November 2017

Thoughts while prepping for a colonoscopy

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Sunday:

Captains log: it’s 0755 and I’m already hungry. This is going to be a long 36 hours

Captains log: 1119 I’m getting hangry. At a friends work tour. There are so many good food options. This is torture.

Captains log 1512: i have found a comfy spot on the couch and am eating slurping the required 16oz of chicken broth. I’m imagining it’s chicken nuggets instead. Only 24ish more hours until real food

Captains log 1910: the prep i have to drink is disgusting. This is a mild form of torture

Captains log 1946: the bathroom is my new home. Send help. This is not a drill. It is also confirmed that drinking this stuff is torture. I’m only halfway through the first dose. Not happy

Monday:

Captains log 0700: i finished the first prep sometime around 2100 last night. Once it had done its ermmm job, i promptly passed out. I woke up around 0300 with my lights and tv on. It is now time to start prep number two. I am not excited for round two.

Captains log 1224: at the surgeons. Nervous. My procedure is at 1245. I’m sitting here just contemplating what i want to eat when i am done. Chicken nuggets are winning right now. My friend and i also hummed the imperial death march walking out of my appointment to this procedure. Find yourself a friend that will take the day off to drive you and hum with you.

Late captains log (some time when i was in pre opt): i forgot how scary this is. I’m a big girl I’ll be fine. Oh my god i hate the beeping machines. They make me want to have a panic attack. Please let’s just get this over with. Please

In the operating room: well they just told me to relax I’ll be sleep soon. Shit i hope i wake up. Dear god please let this all go okay. Please don’t let them find anything bad. No cancer. Please. No bad things. And please make sure my mom knows i love her. And my dad. And my sister. And my brother. My other sister. And my step dad. And my step mom. And Bridget. Omg especially Bridget. She’s the best. And all my friends. Even JM …. even though he sucks ass and we are barely friends right now. But most Bridget she matters the most.

Oh they told me to think of a nice dream. I’m at home snuggles Bridget and ….. zzzzz

Don’t worry guys. The doctor said everything looked ok on my insides. He took some biopsy’s and I’ll have the results in two weeks. I have to have a colonoscopy every two years do to the Crohn’s disease and the fact that colon cancer runs in my family.

Xoxo

M

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Dating is weird

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Dating is weird guys.

Wow I’ve started a post like this before.

I’m back in the “dating field”. I had meant to write posts about my dating life and just never got around to it. Partially because taking about it is well kind of hard. Here’s a quick summary. JM and I got back together. We were legit dating. Like met each other’s families and all. We broke up yet again in September. It was my fault this time. I was communicating and lashing out blah blah blah. We will cover that another time. What you need to know is that we broke up. We are still friends and a part of each other’s lives but it’s still weird. I made a point to get out into the dating game again. I met a guy who seems to check off a lot of the boxes.

  • Cute
  • Smart
  • Funny
  • Strong (but really has great muscles)
  • Driven
  • Etc

But idk guys. I’m just not feeling much. I know part of me is resisting because the idea of getting to know a new person and being vulnerable with someone scares the literal shit out of me. (We are working on this in therapy don’t worry guys ). At this point I’m trying to decide what I want to do. We’ve gone out twice so I want to give it more time. I’m just worried I’m too closed off and “dead inside” (dramatics guys) to feel anything. Meh blah ugh. I want to give this a fair shot and I hope I’m able to. We will see. We will get into a little TMI now. Turn away if you don’t dare.

My errr well meh…. I’m awkward…. okay let’s go. My sex drive has been absolutely dead for a while. I had a bad bout of depression back in early September. That triggered the break up. (Again, a story for another time. ) But basically all those feelings have been dead since. Anyways…. new guy pulled the whole let’s make out near the end of the night move. I went along for it. He’s not a bad kisser at all… but a few mins in I was over it. That’s just it. Idk. Someone fix me?

Meh that’s where I’m at guys.

I swear I’m going to force myself to write more. My 26th Birthday was a week and a half ago and I have this whole post written in my head reflecting on the last year. Someone make me write it. Paul I’m looking at you!!

Goodnight friends.