Month: February 2018
While most of the population is celebrating Valentine’s Day, I’m
celebrating infusion day. Yes it’s that time of the month (well every two months). I’m failing asleep as I type this. The highlight of my day was meeting two of the dogs from Goldenratio4. They are internet famous Golden’s who happen to live down the road from me. I tweeted to them as a joke saying that today was infusion day and the doctor prescribed dog pets to make it better. They answered and said they would happily meet me so I could love on some dogs! I was starstruck and tried not to fan girl too hard when the dogs mom and two of the five dogs showed up at my apartment. They are all super sweet and I hope to be able to meet up with them again in the future. There are videos of them on my Instagram.
As for the romantic side of Valentine’s Day. LOL my life is a joke. I have been dating someone since November but that’s seems to have all but fizzled out. I used to see him a few times a week. Now I see him every few weeks and get maybe 2-3 texts a day from him. Life’s gotten really busy for him. I get that. But like I deserve attention too. Back in December he asked if we could exclusively see each other but not quite be in a relationship yet. I was fine with that at the time because i wasn’t ready to use the word boyfriend yet either. Now I’m just kind of not feeling the “exclusive” thing. Like either we are exclusive and your my boyfriend or we are not and i can see other people. I like this guy but if I’m not going to actually get to see him I want the option to see other people too. That’s only fair.
Yesterday he finally brought up Valentine’s and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I had my infusion so I wouldn’t be very lively. We decided to just do something Friday. I offered for him to still come hang tonight and at least snuggle with me and he completely ignored that. Like dude really. Meh. Sadly on Friday we are going to have to have a chat. I’ve already brought up once that I feel uneasy about this. He asked me to give it some time but I still don’t feel any better. For once in my life I kind of just want to get out there and date again. Weird right.
Time to go into an infusion sleep
waking up in the morning in a panic
waking up with your heart racing
waking up out of breathe.
waking up with a stress rash all over your arms
walking through everyday faking a smile when all you want to do is hyperventilate and cry.
anxiety is self doubt.
anxiety is thinking that you will never be good enough and believing it.
anxiety is crippling.
This semicolon on my wrist reminds me that I’m not alone in this fight. But somedays, I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want it to be easy like it seems to be for everyone else. Some days I drink till I sleep or take medicine to sleep so I can escape for a while. Sometimes life gets to be too much.
NO. I won’t quit. I’m too strong for that. I’ve been through hell and back multiple times and I’m still standing. I WONT QUIT. I WILL WIN. That I’m determined of. I know I am stronger than this. It’s not my fault it’s my genetics. It’s why I study what I do. It’s why I work in the field I do. But, sometimes I wish I could just escape for a while. Just take a break and be at peace.