Month: August 2018

The breakdown

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This is it. I’ve hit my breaking point. I’ve ashamed to admit I’m hiding in my bathtub right now (my safe space ) having a full and complete mental breakdown. Here is where I’m at and my rant. Please note i tried to drink my feelings away in tequila shots. That also failed because well…. IM SUPER FUCKING UPSET.

Here is my rant. (In all caps because I’m yelling )

FUCK THIS. THIS ISNT FAIR. WHY ME. KVE TAKEN MY MEDS WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO. WHY DOES MY GODDAMN BODY HATE ME. YES BODY. THE THINGS YOU DO ARE REALLY COOL BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO FUCK ME OVER IN THE PROCESS. ITS MOR GODDAMN FAIR. I SHOULDNT BE CURLED UP IN MY DAMN BATHUB AGAIN CRYING OVER THIS FUCKING DISEASE FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME TIME IN 26 YEARS. I SHOULDNT BE DROWNING MY SORROWS IN BOOZE TO HELP MASK THE PAIN. FUCK THIS. FUCK EVERYTHING. THIS ISNT FAIR. WHAT HORRIBLE THING IN LIFE HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS. I KNOW THE SAYING “GOD GIVES HIS HARDEST BATTLES TO HIS STRONGEST SOLDIERS” BUT IVE BEEN FIGHTING BATTLES MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE. WHEN DO I GET A BREAK. WHEN DO I GET TO STOP FIGHTING. WHY DONT I DESERVE A BREAK. WHY DONT I DESERVE HAPPINESS OR LOVE FOR ONCE. WHY DO I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS BATTLE LET ALONE DO IT ALONE. WHY WHY WHY.

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Fighting an uphill battle

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Today I got the news I was really hoping I wouldn’t get. Yet another medicine for the crohns has failed. I had been on pills for about 9 years and switch two infusions almost three years ago. I hadn’t been feeling the best lately so the doctor ordered some blood work for me. It turned out my body has developed antibodies to my Remicade treatments.

It’s amazing what you can do body but can please stop being shitty to me?

I got this call while I was at work (I still am). This resulted in me have to take a minute …. or 30 …. alone in my car to think, cry and tell my parents.

I currently have three other options. I’ll be doing lots of research in the next few days. My doctor wants me to make a choice by early next week so we can start treatment again.

Send good vibes my way guys. I need them right now.