Thoughts while prepping for a colonoscopy

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Captains log: it’s 0755 and I’m already hungry. This is going to be a long 36 hours

Captains log: 1119 I’m getting hangry. At a friends work tour. There are so many good food options. This is torture.

Captains log 1512: i have found a comfy spot on the couch and am eating slurping the required 16oz of chicken broth. I’m imagining it’s chicken nuggets instead. Only 24ish more hours until real food

Captains log 1910: the prep i have to drink is disgusting. This is a mild form of torture

Captains log 1946: the bathroom is my new home. Send help. This is not a drill. It is also confirmed that drinking this stuff is torture. I’m only halfway through the first dose. Not happy


Captains log 0700: i finished the first prep sometime around 2100 last night. Once it had done its ermmm job, i promptly passed out. I woke up around 0300 with my lights and tv on. It is now time to start prep number two. I am not excited for round two.

Captains log 1224: at the surgeons. Nervous. My procedure is at 1245. I’m sitting here just contemplating what i want to eat when i am done. Chicken nuggets are winning right now. My friend and i also hummed the imperial death march walking out of my appointment to this procedure. Find yourself a friend that will take the day off to drive you and hum with you.

Late captains log (some time when i was in pre opt): i forgot how scary this is. I’m a big girl I’ll be fine. Oh my god i hate the beeping machines. They make me want to have a panic attack. Please let’s just get this over with. Please

In the operating room: well they just told me to relax I’ll be sleep soon. Shit i hope i wake up. Dear god please let this all go okay. Please don’t let them find anything bad. No cancer. Please. No bad things. And please make sure my mom knows i love her. And my dad. And my sister. And my brother. My other sister. And my step dad. And my step mom. And Bridget. Omg especially Bridget. She’s the best. And all my friends. Even JM …. even though he sucks ass and we are barely friends right now. But most Bridget she matters the most.

Oh they told me to think of a nice dream. I’m at home snuggles Bridget and ….. zzzzz

Don’t worry guys. The doctor said everything looked ok on my insides. He took some biopsy’s and I’ll have the results in two weeks. I have to have a colonoscopy every two years do to the Crohn’s disease and the fact that colon cancer runs in my family.




Dating is weird

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Dating is weird guys.

Wow I’ve started a post like this before.

I’m back in the “dating field”. I had meant to write posts about my dating life and just never got around to it. Partially because taking about it is well kind of hard. Here’s a quick summary. JM and I got back together. We were legit dating. Like met each other’s families and all. We broke up yet again in September. It was my fault this time. I was communicating and lashing out blah blah blah. We will cover that another time. What you need to know is that we broke up. We are still friends and a part of each other’s lives but it’s still weird. I made a point to get out into the dating game again. I met a guy who seems to check off a lot of the boxes.

  • Cute
  • Smart
  • Funny
  • Strong (but really has great muscles)
  • Driven
  • Etc

But idk guys. I’m just not feeling much. I know part of me is resisting because the idea of getting to know a new person and being vulnerable with someone scares the literal shit out of me. (We are working on this in therapy don’t worry guys ). At this point I’m trying to decide what I want to do. We’ve gone out twice so I want to give it more time. I’m just worried I’m too closed off and “dead inside” (dramatics guys) to feel anything. Meh blah ugh. I want to give this a fair shot and I hope I’m able to. We will see. We will get into a little TMI now. Turn away if you don’t dare.

My errr well meh…. I’m awkward…. okay let’s go. My sex drive has been absolutely dead for a while. I had a bad bout of depression back in early September. That triggered the break up. (Again, a story for another time. ) But basically all those feelings have been dead since. Anyways…. new guy pulled the whole let’s make out near the end of the night move. I went along for it. He’s not a bad kisser at all… but a few mins in I was over it. That’s just it. Idk. Someone fix me?

Meh that’s where I’m at guys.

I swear I’m going to force myself to write more. My 26th Birthday was a week and a half ago and I have this whole post written in my head reflecting on the last year. Someone make me write it. Paul I’m looking at you!!

Goodnight friends.

If I could finish tweets 

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I just recently tweeted

“I can’t deal with life right now” if I could actually finish that tweet without society condemning me I would say. “I’m can’t deal with life right now. I’m dragging myself so I can sleep.”

No. Don’t worry. I don’t use kind of “hard drugs” or “real drugs”. My level of abuse, if you you even call it that, are drugs to make me sleep. I like to sleep. I can escape the real work for a while and sleeep. 

If it sounds like I’m in a dark place I guess I kind of am. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I was in a “relationship” of shorts this summer and I fucked it up because I can communicate and share my emotions. Since then, I have been working hard to confront the “skeletons in my closet” and the “baggage” that has been holding me back. To say it has been easy would be a lie. It has actually been an extremely painful process. I’m doing this so one day maybe I can be open to and able to experience the love that I deserve. The truth is right now, I’m not ready. I hope one day I can be. 

Wow this post got dark. Don’t worry guys. I’m on medicine and I’m seeing a therapist. I might be slightly crying while I type this on the metro. And  I hate myself for that, but I’m trying this new thing where I own my feelings and embrace them. It’s not fun but it’s something I need to do.  

I’m done rambling goodnight guys.  

3 posts in one week?!

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This one is going to be short and sweet. I have a lot to write about and I really need to write it all. A lot has been happening in the last few months. I’ve been running like crazy. I wanted to write tonight but I’m still utterly exhausted from my infusion. I swear I will catch up on writing this weekend. For now, I need to rest and clean. Thanks to hurricane Irma I think Jess will be paying me a visit again. Yay blogger visitors! I’ll link Jess’s blog when I’m not writing from my phone. 

How has everyone been?! I missed everyone. Leave a comment and say hi and tell me what you’ve been up to. I’m slowly catching up on everyone’s posts but give me some help! 

Apartment tour 

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In an attempt to post more…. here is a quick picture tour of my now not so new apartment. Some of these photos are old. I didn’t feel like fully cleaning my room for these so whoops.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Don’t worry guys! I’m working on other posts!


Welcome to my apartment!

First up we have the kitchen. It’s the first thing you see when you walk in. The best part is the fridge because it’s oh so large.

Fun fact: I can’t reach the top shelf in the cabinets. I’m too short. 

Next up we have the living room/dining room area. It’s not super big but just big enough. My couch fits perfectly 🙂

From the living room we have a lovely little patio. We now have a tomato plant and some spices growing on it. 
Finally, we have my room. There is a second bedroom, but it is my roommates so no tour of that. Excuse my unmade bed. 

Door one is a walk in closet. Door two is my private bathroom.



I swear 

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I swear I was planning on finally catching up on all my blog posts yesterday BUTTTTTTT. 

Well. I had my infusion yesterday and ended up feeling really sick to my stomach and getting a bad headache. So I went to sleep at like 7pm. WHYYY ARE THESE THINGS DOING THIS TO MEEEEE ALL OF A SUDDEND?!?  I woke up maybe and hour ago and the headaches are back. The urge to vomit is also slowly coming back. Today is normally when the side effects of Remicade are the worst. I need to get out of bed soon though. I have to go get allergy  tested at 10 because I’ve been having allergic reactions to food lately. Body what are you doing to me?!? I then need to try and survive a few hours of work. Last time I only made it through two. Even though I hate work as of lately, going there is still better than sitting home alone feeling miserable.  

Until I can post again please enjoy this picture of my beautiful new niece. I’ll write a post about her soon! 

A Letter to Meghan

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My lovely Friend Shaz wrote me a nice letter last week. See below.

Source: A Letter to Meghan

I meant to write her back sooner but I was out of town and forgot my laptop. I also ran out of data so I couldn’t use my phone. My bad!

Dear Shaz,

I was so excited to get your letter. I’m not going to lie, I was checking everyday to see if it was my turn yet. This letter will probably be a large ramble/responding to what you said.

First and foremost, I still love Ben and Jerry’s. Fun fact:I’m somewhat lactose intolerant so I don’t eat ice cream very often. When I do eat ice cream,  I go straight for a pint of Milk and cookies or Brownie Batter Core. YUM. Now I want some.

I have loved your blog since I found it. I actually love it for the same reasons you love mine. I always look forward to reading your posts. Your life is like a tv show! I’m hooked. Awkward, that sounds creepy. I mean that in the nicest least creepy way!! I am so happy that I found your blog. I miss your regular posts, but I know that you are busy with school.

As for dating…..my mom finally gave up asking when I was giving her grandchildren. I am 25, almost 26. I tell everyone I’m never getting married and that I’m just getting a dog and a boat. My family just goes along with it. I made a point to start dating again after I moved closer to the city (back at the end of April). I did date a guy for about a month but that just kind of died off.  Spoiler alert: JM (also known as not boyfriend) and I are back together. That explanation is for another post. My mom knows and likes to try to “subtly” check in on it. I think that is it so nice that you parents are so concerned about you. I also know that it can also get annoying sometimes.

Most of my friends are either getting engaged or are having kids. The struggle is real!! I am so proud that you made you “single-ness” into an empowering moment and not a poor me moment. I defiently let it get me down for a little while. I always questioned ” What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want a life with me? Why don’t I deserve happiness like everyone else?!?” Sometimes all of this still upsets me, but like you, I try to find empowerment in it all. I’m smart. I’m a fun person. I’m cute. I’m awkward and silly in all the best ways. One day we will find someone who deserves us Shaz. We are too strong and too smart to just settle. I’ve seen so many people get married just to do it. I swear I will never do that!

I hope one day our paths will cross! I agree with you, I think we would be great friends. I’m picturing all of wacky adventures now. It would be like we had our own sitcom. It would be great! Even Paul would watch it.

Thank you so much for writing me! Please feel free to write me again one day!!




PS: I am also very ADD. I have been super medicated since I was 5. That’s why my posts are so….well half thoughts and all over the place! I gave up trying to write in a “composed” manner.


Pss: I’ve been off meds for two and a half years now.