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A Letter to Meghan

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My lovely Friend Shaz wrote me a nice letter last week. See below.

Source: A Letter to Meghan

I meant to write her back sooner but I was out of town and forgot my laptop. I also ran out of data so I couldn’t use my phone. My bad!

Dear Shaz,

I was so excited to get your letter. I’m not going to lie, I was checking everyday to see if it was my turn yet. This letter will probably be a large ramble/responding to what you said.

First and foremost, I still love Ben and Jerry’s. Fun fact:I’m somewhat lactose intolerant so I don’t eat ice cream very often. When I do eat ice cream,  I go straight for a pint of Milk and cookies or Brownie Batter Core. YUM. Now I want some.

I have loved your blog since I found it. I actually love it for the same reasons you love mine. I always look forward to reading your posts. Your life is like a tv show! I’m hooked. Awkward, that sounds creepy. I mean that in the nicest least creepy way!! I am so happy that I found your blog. I miss your regular posts, but I know that you are busy with school.

As for dating…..my mom finally gave up asking when I was giving her grandchildren. I am 25, almost 26. I tell everyone I’m never getting married and that I’m just getting a dog and a boat. My family just goes along with it. I made a point to start dating again after I moved closer to the city (back at the end of April). I did date a guy for about a month but that just kind of died off.  Spoiler alert: JM (also known as not boyfriend) and I are back together. That explanation is for another post. My mom knows and likes to try to “subtly” check in on it. I think that is it so nice that you parents are so concerned about you. I also know that it can also get annoying sometimes.

Most of my friends are either getting engaged or are having kids. The struggle is real!! I am so proud that you made you “single-ness” into an empowering moment and not a poor me moment. I defiently let it get me down for a little while. I always questioned ” What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want a life with me? Why don’t I deserve happiness like everyone else?!?” Sometimes all of this still upsets me, but like you, I try to find empowerment in it all. I’m smart. I’m a fun person. I’m cute. I’m awkward and silly in all the best ways. One day we will find someone who deserves us Shaz. We are too strong and too smart to just settle. I’ve seen so many people get married just to do it. I swear I will never do that!

I hope one day our paths will cross! I agree with you, I think we would be great friends. I’m picturing all of wacky adventures now. It would be like we had our own sitcom. It would be great! Even Paul would watch it.

Thank you so much for writing me! Please feel free to write me again one day!!

 

Love,

Meghan

PS: I am also very ADD. I have been super medicated since I was 5. That’s why my posts are so….well half thoughts and all over the place! I gave up trying to write in a “composed” manner.

 

Pss: I’ve been off meds for two and a half years now.

 

Why I’m in a bad mood today 

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Here is a short sweet list of why I’m in a bad mood today :

1) tmi – that time of the month is just ending so I’m already moody to begin with  

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 
2) A month or two ago a rock hit my windshield while I was driving. It left a small crater no less than a quarter on my windshield. I had been putting off fixing it until today… yesterday I noticed three line growing out of the crater. They were harmless. Today they have quadrupled in size and are now starting to obstruct my view.  On Monday, I’m trading $324 for a new windshield. ** cries in corner**
3) my manager is being a pain 

4) Jm was supposed to come home with me this weekend and bailed because he’s freaking out about it -_- ugh 
And that is why I’m in bad mood my friends. 

The bad blogger award. 

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I’m giving myself the bad blogger award. I just had to go back and read my old posts to even see what I wrote about last. I know I always say this but…. I’ve been meaning to blog. I’ve actually had a lot of things to write about but I’ve been busy. Life has been happening and I’ve just been going along for the ride.  Here are some future posts to look forward to:

-Baby showers and Bachelorettes 

-Meghan’s dating life (lol)

-moving updates (because I meant to post pics of my new place three months ago..)

– medical marijuana: a debate 

There will probably also just be a life updates somewhere in there too. 

Panic attacks. 

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Today my anxiety has been horrible. I woke up in a bad mood and I couldn’t shake it. I let myself get upset over something little. A complete misunderstanding. I thought I was fine but my chest has been tight all day.  I decided to give my mom a call to just take my mind off of things. I don’t know if it was talking about how my sister was being a massive B this week that triggered it but something did. I could feel myself starting to convulse. That urge to hyperventilate suddenly hit me. I made up an excuse to get off the phone and jumped in my empty bathtub and proceeded to have an anxiety attack. That is now where I currently am still curled up while writing this. Why I picked my bathtub I don’t know. It seemed like a safe space and somewhere my roommate wouldn’t hear me. 

I haven’t had a full blown attack like that in years. I was able to stop it within a few minutes luckily but it still happened. Ugh. I thought I had gotten past this. I thought my days of curling up in a ball crying and hyperventilating were over. 

If you’ve never had a panic attack or anxiety attack I hope you never have to. They are miserable things that are hard to control. I thought my medicine was working pretty well but I clearly need to look into that if this happens more. 
Ugh. 

Timing

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Timing is such a delicate thing. That is something I have learned in the last 25 years. Timing has never seemed to be on my side in the romance department. YOU was the only true love of my life (thus far) but the timing wasn’t right. We met each other too young and too immature. Then again, who knows if we even would have liked each other at this age?! The timing was never right with JM (formally referred to as NBF) either. Him and I were in such strong but yet fragile states when we met each other. We were both recovering from horrible breakups. I, sadly was much further along in that healing process. My friendship with JM has always been hard to describe to anyone who is not us. We have always been extremely close since the day we met. I don’t know how to describe it honestly. We just always connected. We were always able to talk…well that is we were about to talk about anything besides our own relationship.

What I haven’t told the blogging world is that I have been seeing someone new. We have been seeing each other for maybeeeeee a month now. I feel like he has a lot of potential though.  I was very torn for a while. Another thing I didn’t share is the fact that I may have kind of sort of had a “whoopise” (or two) with JM) in the last month……….

 

YEAH I KNOW…..BAD MEGHAN………….

I have always believed that JM has loved me. I also don’t think he knew how to properly. I don’t know if that makes any sense but tonight just reinsured my theory. As I said, I have been seeing someone for the last month. It is not serious at the moment, but as of this past weekend, it seems to be taking a turn in that direction. I like this guy. He has just been checking off everything on the list that I have wanted in a guy. If you asked Jess or Myka, I have been stressed out. I didn’t know how to tell JM about this. YES I know he total fucked me over earlier this year. But,  (yes I just started a sentence with but) he is also honestly one of my best friends and we have put that behind us. Yes, to the outside observer I sound insane. If you could ever see our friendship you would understand.

 

ANYWAYSSSSSSSSS

Tonight JM, my roommate and our other friend went to trivia night at a local bar. At the end of the night he pulled me aside and asked if we could talk for  a minute.  It is probably easier to type out a paraphrasing of the conversation.

 

JM: sooo can you promise me something? Please just don’t disappear on me. Even if you’re….you know

me: what do you mean??

Jm: I mean even if you’re seeing someone new please don’t just leave as a friend.

me: I’m not going anywhere but in complete honesty I am seeing someone right now.

JM: yeah….I figured that out a while ago. It been about a month or so hasn’t it.

Me: yep how did you know.

JM: Meghan I know you. I can read you so easily. I’ve known something was up. I am jealous but I know I can’t give you what you want or need right now. I probably couldn’t do that for at least another two years. I am jealous and I care about you but I want you to be happy. If this guy makes you happy then go for it. That what I want for you.

 

Him and I said that we would talk more tomorrow because it was getting late and his roommate was waiting in my kitchen. Long story short, I am happy him and I got to talk about this. I has been bothering me for a few days now. Now I can well move on with my life and yeah.

I don’t know.

I’m tired and this is all I have for now. I like this new guy a lot but I had my reservations because of things in the past with JM. It’s nice to know I can just move forward now.

 

I’m too tired to spell check or grammar proof this. More to come in the future though.

World IBD day 

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Sooooo I’m a day late. Yesterday was actually world IBD day but whatever. I’m not going to sit here and type up my 11 year struggle with Crohns. That story is somewhere on this blog already. For now, I’ll just show my posts from this year and last year. Enjoy.