While most of the population is celebrating Valentine’s Day, I’m
celebrating infusion day. Yes it’s that time of the month (well every two months). I’m failing asleep as I type this. The highlight of my day was meeting two of the dogs from Goldenratio4. They are internet famous Golden’s who happen to live down the road from me. I tweeted to them as a joke saying that today was infusion day and the doctor prescribed dog pets to make it better. They answered and said they would happily meet me so I could love on some dogs! I was starstruck and tried not to fan girl too hard when the dogs mom and two of the five dogs showed up at my apartment. They are all super sweet and I hope to be able to meet up with them again in the future. There are videos of them on my Instagram.
As for the romantic side of Valentine’s Day. LOL my life is a joke. I have been dating someone since November but that’s seems to have all but fizzled out. I used to see him a few times a week. Now I see him every few weeks and get maybe 2-3 texts a day from him. Life’s gotten really busy for him. I get that. But like I deserve attention too. Back in December he asked if we could exclusively see each other but not quite be in a relationship yet. I was fine with that at the time because i wasn’t ready to use the word boyfriend yet either. Now I’m just kind of not feeling the “exclusive” thing. Like either we are exclusive and your my boyfriend or we are not and i can see other people. I like this guy but if I’m not going to actually get to see him I want the option to see other people too. That’s only fair.
Yesterday he finally brought up Valentine’s and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I had my infusion so I wouldn’t be very lively. We decided to just do something Friday. I offered for him to still come hang tonight and at least snuggle with me and he completely ignored that. Like dude really. Meh. Sadly on Friday we are going to have to have a chat. I’ve already brought up once that I feel uneasy about this. He asked me to give it some time but I still don’t feel any better. For once in my life I kind of just want to get out there and date again. Weird right.
Time to go into an infusion sleep
waking up in the morning in a panic
waking up with your heart racing
waking up out of breathe.
waking up with a stress rash all over your arms
walking through everyday faking a smile when all you want to do is hyperventilate and cry.
anxiety is self doubt.
anxiety is thinking that you will never be good enough and believing it.
anxiety is crippling.
This semicolon on my wrist reminds me that I’m not alone in this fight. But somedays, I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want it to be easy like it seems to be for everyone else. Some days I drink till I sleep or take medicine to sleep so I can escape for a while. Sometimes life gets to be too much.
NO. I won’t quit. I’m too strong for that. I’ve been through hell and back multiple times and I’m still standing. I WONT QUIT. I WILL WIN. That I’m determined of. I know I am stronger than this. It’s not my fault it’s my genetics. It’s why I study what I do. It’s why I work in the field I do. But, sometimes I wish I could just escape for a while. Just take a break and be at peace.
I don’t know what I’ve been thinking’
But lately I just feel like drinkin’
I don’t know what I’ve been thinking’
Lately I feel like I’m sinking’
I’m sorry I’ve been away. I didn’t realize how long it has been. It’s been over TWO MONTHS since my last post. A lot has been happening so we have a lot to catch up on. We will do this the easiest/ my favorite way….LISTS!
Welll lets see:
Life: My 26th birthday was back in November. If we are being honest 25 kind of sucked. Well most of 2017 sucked. I have deemed it a transition year. I declared to my good friend (and DC bff ) the 26 would be the year of ME. I would put myself first and worry about myself instead of everyone else. According the my therapist, I like to help other people with their problems to avoid my own. She then said something very powerful and sad. She said, “Meghan why hasn’t it been like that for the last 25 years?!?!” She had a point. This year I am making a point to “do me”. I have spent too many years walking on eggshells to try to keep the peace. NOOOOO MORE!!
Health: MEH UGH BLAH. Where do we start. Sometime in September my left foot started bothering me. I ignored it until right before Thanksgiving (aka 2 months). It turns out I have really bad peroneal tendonitis and a partial tear. WOMP WOMP WOMP. This landed me in a boot for three weeks, a brace for about a month and physical therapy until further notice. I plan to work very hard to get my tendon back to where it should be. I want to
try run a marathon this year. Root for me guys.
The crohns has also been weird. I ate too much “bad food” aka peanuts and popcorn right around Christmas. This resulted in me being in lots of pain multiple times and having to go on a bland diet for a week. I’ve learned my lesson and will not be pushing my limits anymore. My next infusion is Feb 14th. I have a hot date with and IV and my nurse. OHHHH JOY.
Work: GREAT NEWS GUYS. I quit my job! Don’t worry. I have a new job. It was a terrifying but yet exhilarating giving my two weeks notice at my previous job. I was at that job for nearly 3 years. It was my first job out of college. It was the reason I moved to Maryland. It has been all that I have known. It was needed though. It was time for a change. My work environment had become toxic. I wasn’t being treat well and was not getting paid well. In the three years that I worked there I never got a promotion and got maybe 3% raise. THAT IS BAD!! You know it is also bad when other coworkers were getting upset on my behalf. They told me I deserved better and that I was being treated like shit. My manager even had to nerve to tell me she was disappointed in my productivity in December and wanted me to do more…..I WAS IN A BOOT AND WAS ONLY ALLOWED TO DO DESK WORK!!!! I ALSO KEPT ASKING FOR MORE WORK!!! **FACE PALM** Lucky for me, I had friends in other places. A good friend and former coworker had a job lined up for me. I hauled it back to Maryland the day after Christmas for an interview. Great news. I started on Monday. The job is great and a much better work environment. Bonus point: We have a lab chameleon and I’m obsessed with him!!!!!
Dating: well well well….we have gotten to this topic. I am still seeing the guy I mentioned a few posts back. We shall call him Ab’s. You can use your imagination why 😉 . I will totally admit that I was hesitant to date at all at first. I was unsure with him. My friends said that was a bad sign, but it wasn’t. If we are being honest I am unsure about everyone at first. My mom says when you meet the right one you will know right away but I don’t believe. I know how I work. I was unsure about YOU and JM. They were both people I ended up caring for a lot…..ugh. Abs and I have been seeing each other for about 3ish months. We started talking back in October but didn’t officially go on a date until right after my birthday in November. Things are going well. We are exclusive and see each other regularly. He drives me nuts 50% of the time and makes me smile the other 50%. We will see where this goes but I’m excited to see what the future has in store for the two of us.
If anyone is wonder about JM…well he’s still around. We are doing our best to be friends but it’s weird. It will be weird for a while and that’s just how it’s going to be. We are in the same friend group so we are going to have to still see each other. I’ve never been friends with an ex before so this is weird. Maybe soon I’ll tell the story of when Ab’s and JM met. Oh and when I met his new GF too……
I know I’m a little late but HAPPY NEW YEAR guys! May 2018 be your best year yet. Happy new year from me and my two favorite friends here in the DMV
Captains log: it’s 0755 and I’m already hungry. This is going to be a long 36 hours
Captains log: 1119 I’m getting hangry. At a friends work tour. There are so many good food options. This is torture.
Captains log 1512: i have found a comfy spot on the couch and am
eating slurping the required 16oz of chicken broth. I’m imagining it’s chicken nuggets instead. Only 24ish more hours until real food
Captains log 1910: the prep i have to drink is disgusting. This is a mild form of torture
Captains log 1946: the bathroom is my new home. Send help. This is not a drill. It is also confirmed that drinking this stuff is torture. I’m only halfway through the first dose. Not happy
Captains log 0700: i finished the first prep sometime around 2100 last night. Once it had done its ermmm job, i promptly passed out. I woke up around 0300 with my lights and tv on. It is now time to start prep number two. I am not excited for round two.
Captains log 1224: at the surgeons. Nervous. My procedure is at 1245. I’m sitting here just contemplating what i want to eat when i am done. Chicken nuggets are winning right now. My friend and i also hummed the imperial death march walking out of my appointment to this procedure. Find yourself a friend that will take the day off to drive you and hum with you.
Late captains log (some time when i was in pre opt): i forgot how scary this is. I’m a big girl I’ll be fine. Oh my god i hate the beeping machines. They make me want to have a panic attack. Please let’s just get this over with. Please
In the operating room: well they just told me to relax I’ll be sleep soon. Shit i hope i wake up. Dear god please let this all go okay. Please don’t let them find anything bad. No cancer. Please. No bad things. And please make sure my mom knows i love her. And my dad. And my sister. And my brother. My other sister. And my step dad. And my step mom. And Bridget. Omg especially Bridget. She’s the best. And all my friends. Even JM …. even though he sucks ass and we are barely friends right now. But most Bridget she matters the most.
Oh they told me to think of a nice dream. I’m at home snuggles Bridget and ….. zzzzz
Don’t worry guys. The doctor said everything looked ok on my insides. He took some biopsy’s and I’ll have the results in two weeks. I have to have a colonoscopy every two years do to the Crohn’s disease and the fact that colon cancer runs in my family.
Dating is weird guys.
Wow I’ve started a post like this before.
I’m back in the “dating field”. I had meant to write posts about my dating life and just never got around to it. Partially because taking about it is well kind of hard. Here’s a quick summary. JM and I got back together. We were legit dating. Like met each other’s families and all. We broke up yet again in September. It was my fault this time. I was communicating and lashing out blah blah blah. We will cover that another time. What you need to know is that we broke up. We are still friends and a part of each other’s lives but it’s still weird. I made a point to get out into the dating game again. I met a guy who seems to check off a lot of the boxes.
- Strong (but really has great muscles)
But idk guys. I’m just not feeling much. I know part of me is resisting because the idea of getting to know a new person and being vulnerable with someone scares the literal shit out of me. (We are working on this in therapy don’t worry guys ). At this point I’m trying to decide what I want to do. We’ve gone out twice so I want to give it more time. I’m just worried I’m too closed off and “dead inside” (dramatics guys) to feel anything. Meh blah ugh. I want to give this a fair shot and I hope I’m able to. We will see. We will get into a little TMI now. Turn away if you don’t dare.
My errr well meh…. I’m awkward…. okay let’s go. My sex drive has been absolutely dead for a while. I had a bad bout of depression back in early September. That triggered the break up. (Again, a story for another time. ) But basically all those feelings have been dead since. Anyways…. new guy pulled the whole let’s make out near the end of the night move. I went along for it. He’s not a bad kisser at all… but a few mins in I was over it. That’s just it. Idk. Someone fix me?
Meh that’s where I’m at guys.
I swear I’m going to force myself to write more. My 26th Birthday was a week and a half ago and I have this whole post written in my head reflecting on the last year. Someone make me write it. Paul I’m looking at you!!